The World According to Schultz

If my air of authority and prestigious position at CLEAR CHANNEL wasn't enough to send these Modern Pea Pod fuckers into trembling awe and jealous consternation, I'd think they were giving me shitty music to review as some sort of sick joke. But I guess somebody, somewhere, thinks normal red-blooded AMERICANS give a shit about a band called Mastodon. Hey shithead: they don't. I almost consider it my duty to put the lid down on this garbage in the public arena, where everyone can absorb a rational opinion by someone in the industry.

Christ, the first track on this album is called "The Wolf is Loose." That's bringing back awful memories of those Wolf Leg guys I wrote about last issue. Here's a fun fact for the kids: both singers sound like they're GARGLING DICK instead of singing. Actually, all you need to do is read the song titles to realize that this CD is going to suck. Good luck getting a hit single out of songs called "Pendulous Skin" and "Capillarian Crest," shitheads. I'm a member of the music industry: I should know. My first impression of these songs is that they sound like Black Sabbath...a band that I never trusted. I think that Ozzy guy did drugs or something. Is this what we really want our kids to be listening to? For them to be looking up to DRUG ADDICTS?

Mastodon is what pudgy, sweaty guys listen to to offset the fact that they can't get it up, and what young people listen to if they're young people who are fucking STUPID. These boys better get their act together if they want to be on Clear Channel stations like those nice, clean-cut kids Audioslave. THEY know how to make a hit song, you know what I mean? Fuck, I'm getting sick of all this talk. Here's a review: Mastodon is a band full of talentless faggots, and I'm going down to FYE tomorrow and replacing all of the copies of Blood Mountain with Christopher Cross' seminal self-titled album. That'll show 'em.

- Stephen S. Schultz, Junior Assistant to the Senior Regional Manager, Clear Channel Communications

The opinions of Stephen S. Schultz do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Modern Pea Pod, or Clear Channel Communications.

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