Mixtape: April 2006
Songs About Fucking:
The Modern Pea Pod's April 2006 Mixtape
After a strange and dreary winter, April is at last upon us. Spring is in the air. The flowers have bloomed while birds return north to sing on branches above buzzing bees. Somewhere in a park, two young lovers exchange knowing glances. Each knows what the other has on their mind.
Indeed, the world has returned to a state of regeneration. Every possible species - plant, animal or otherwise - has begun the process of reproduction. Humanity has celebrated this return to fertilization since man first awoke to find a strange desire forcing him to spread his seed as far as possible. Easter, today recognized every April as the resurrection of Christ, has its roots in the decidedly un-Christian pagan festival of fertility. The symbols of this holiday, which children surround themselves with every year, are in fact filthy images most parents would rather be undiscovered until their offspring have reached the age of 35. Eggs, of course, represent the origin of life, and there is little doubt that bunnies are the single horniest animals on the planet.
So in a nod to this grand tradition, the Modern Pea Pod would like to offer up our own celebration of fertility. We present here 90 minutes of songs about fucking. Enjoy... we know that we will.
- Aaron Kahn
Side A
0:05 - The 2 Live Crew: "C'mon Babe" (4:44)
Just to prove we mean business, we begin our mixtape about fucking with this little gem by the most notorious perverts ever to grace the rap world. Yeah, it's basically porn to a beat, and misogynist porn at that; the kind of stuff only a sexually prodigious, emotionally stunted 13-year-old (or a webzine writer) could love. But as Jon Cameron explains, there's no point in making a sex mix without getting a little down and dirty: "Meet the group that spawned all those albums with no-name Miami rappers courting big-titted beach bunnies on the cover. Despite what you might hear, 2 Live Crew's music has lost none of its explicitness. Their genius lies in the ability to present an endless supply of unpretentiously filthy sex rhymes... with dance-party beats that make you wanna grind. Just don't expect to hear Ludacris demanding an asshole licking on his next single."
(Available on As Nasty As They Wanna Be
)
4:49 - Barry White: "I Wanna Love You Just a Little More, Baby" (4:12)
Okay. Any prudes left in the house? No? Then let's keep things rolling with this baby-makin' classic, courtesy of Megan Giddings: "As cliched as it is, there's no such thing as a sex tape without one Barry White song. For me, this is the one that takes the cake, because for the first minute and a half, White indulges in a sensual spoken word monolgue over softcore porno high hats and '70s slap bass that turns up the heat faster than a bucket of lube and a heart-shaped water bed."
(Available on All-Time Greatest Hits)
9:01 - Marvin Gaye: "Midnight Lady" (5:18)
Aaron Kahn: "Released in 1982, Marvin Gaye's final album, Midnight Love, is by far the artist's most blatant tribute to his favorite topic: sex. Most famous, of course, was the single 'Sexual Healing,' which went on to become the first track to win Gaye a grammy. The record is, however, filled with numerous other tracks dripping in innuendo and, perhaps more often, frank mentions of sexual delights. Take for example 'Midnight Lady,' a song filled with fast and crazy synthesized beats, and completely ridiculous (but not unpleasing) extraneous production noises. The lyrics, while somewhat nonsensical, allude to a world of wild, all-night parties and hot 'finger poppin'' love between a man and a woman. One can't help but wonder who the midnight lover was that inspired Gaye to write this song. Well, that and the amount of coke that was passed around the recording room."
(Available on Midnight Love)
14:19 - Gary Glitter: "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)" (3:21)
Zach Hoskins: "I know what some of you are thinking. 'But Zach, Gary Glitter is a child molestor. Putting one of his songs on a mixtape about sex is in bad taste - even irresponsible!' To these readers, I can say only this: yes, Glitter does suffer from an unfortunate and reprehensible disease, and by no means is it my intention to endorse the sexual abuse of children by promoting one of the singer's most lascivious songs. But god damn, I defy you to give this glam sleaze masterpiece a listen and not end up pumping your fists in the air on the downbeat. If you've heard 'Rock 'n' Roll, Pt. 2' (read: if you've been to a hockey game), you'll know what to expect: spare, reverb-heavy arrangement, shouted vocals over unwavering drums, and a repetitive guitar riff that sounds like it's been recorded through a wool sock submerged in water three rooms away. But 'Do You Wanna Touch Me' is the Glitter formula at its absolute pinnacle, simply because it has raunch in spades; you can practically hear the pompadoured one licking his lips at the prospect of a new conquest, and if recent events have made that image rather more distasteful, they still can't stop this song from being one of the great expressions of chest-beating masculine libido. No, listening to Gary Glitter will never get you laid - in 2006 less than ever. But throw this on when you're all alone before a hot date, and you bet your glittered jumpsuit it'll put some extra spring in your step."
(Available on Rock and Roll: Gary Glitter's Greatest Hits)
17:40 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs: "Bang" (3:09)
Now, with Zach's defense of Gary Glitter brought to a merciful halt, Megan makes up for the unforgivable cold shoulder we gave on last month's Women's History tape with this nod to Karen O - still the only woman who can call us lousy lays with tiny dicks and make us like it: "God, Karen O is sexy. She has that oddly appealing Star Trek haircut, she likes to slather olive oil (among other condiments) on herself during live shows, and she's frank about her sexuality. When Karen O writhes and screams and leers, 'the bigger, the better' throughout 'Bang,' she reminds men that they're not the only ones looking for something that stands out from the rest, so to speak."
(Available on Yeah Yeah Yeahs [EP])
20:49 - Billy Ward & The Dominoes: "Sixty Minute Man" (2:31)
It's a little-known fact that before the Sexual Liberation of the late 1960s, Americans did, indeed, have sexual intercourse on a fairly regular basis. It's true! And David Koenig has the proof: "Unsure of how to please your woman? Take a lesson from the 'Sixty Minute Man': 15 minutes of kissing, followed by 15 minutes of teasing, then 15 minutes of squeezing, and finally 15 minutes of blowing your top. Hm. By today's standards, I'm pretty sure that would only qualify you as a 15 minute man. Maybe the rules changed after the Beatles landed. In any case, Billy Ward & The Dominoes may have had the sexual stamina of sickly, gelatinous schoolboys on prom night, but at least they could write cool songs."
(Available on The Very Best of Billy Ward & The Dominoes)
23:20 - Custom: "Hey Mister" (3:23)
Laura Misjak: "What better song for a scandalous teen girl to play on her MySpace profile than Custom's 'Hey Mister'? Although the song is circa 2002, it echoes the truths of slutty girls today with dads who have too much money. Yes. It's about fucking. Yes. It has crafty analogies - 'when I'm horny like thirsty, she's a bottle of water.' It has everything a song needs to completely disgust me when I browse through MySpace and see 14-year-old [name and address withheld] claiming it as her cyberspace theme song. Not to mention Custom, a.k.a. Duane Lovold, addresses this promiscuous little lady's daddy throughout the ballad, hence 'Hey Mister.' Favorite lyric: 'how'd it get so bad / you raised her so well, now she's calling me dad / in the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen / the perfect little gift for high school graduation.'"
(Available on Fast)
26:43 - The Hentchmen: "Makin' Out" (2:21)
Nowadays, sex music is all about the money shot. But what about those awkward, (mostly) teenage years when all that groping and slobbering never reaches its, um, natural conclusion? If you know how it feels to be left high and dry with a pair of pants that are somehow smaller than the ones you put on in the morning, then Megan's next choice ought to bring back some memories: "This song by the Hentchmen captures perfectly that 16-year-old blueballed feeling. Yes, yes, yes, they're making out. Things are getting a little steamy, and then... yeah, all of a sudden she cares about her curfew. This song of bottled-up teenage lust is perfect for all of you at home stuck with teases."
(Available on Three Times Infinity)
29:04 - The Smiths "Handsome Devil" (2:44)
And now, here's a man who knows more about blue balls than pretty much anybody...or at least, says Aaron, that's the myth: "Not too long ago, there was a big to-do over the release of former Smiths frontman Morrissey's new album. It seems that, after years of claiming to be celibate, the singer has finally confessed to having passionate, dirty sex... through song! Countless critics have declared this change in the artist's stylings to be groundbreaking, but it seems that they are all forgetting that Morrissey's lyrics during the Smiths era were not always so pure and innocent. Case in point: 'Handsome Devil.' A story of hot schoolboy loving, the song poses what is, perhaps, one of the most crucial questions in any relationship: 'Who will swallow whom?'"
(Available on Hatful of Hollow)
31:48 - Nymphomatriarch: "Pervs" (5:27)
For those of you who have just tuned in, this mixtape is called 'Songs About Fucking.' But David is about to take it to a whole new level: his next song isn't just about fucking, it is fucking...literally: "Aaron Funk, the badass responsible for Venetian Snares, built an entire album out of his own sex noises. This dude mixed violent slaps, female giggles, and Jesus knows what else into some of the hardest beats ever. As one might guess, it sounds like kinky sex...the song. It's fun to imagine what each particular thwock might have originally been. And to Aaron's girl: if (heaven forbid) things don't work out, call me immediately."
(Available on Nymphomatriarch)
37:15 - Prince: "Let's Pretend We're Married" (7:21)
Having satisfied the voyeurs in the audience, it's now time to stop delaying the inevitable. A little dynamo named Prince wants to have his way with you. Zach lights up a post-coital cigarette and explains why he can't say no: "Okay, so maybe parts of 1980's Dirty Mind were more explicit/outrageous. But for my money, this track from Prince's breakthrough record 1999 was the sexiest, dirtiest, nastiest thing he'd recorded to date. It isn't what he says but how he says it: purring his quaintly Reagan-era come-on over pulsing bass synths that just scream 'sleazy,' until he drops that atom bomb of a line: 'I sincerely wanna fuck the taste out of your mouth...do u relate?' The sense of taste has never felt quite so superfluous."
(Available on 1999)
Final Runtime: 44:36
Side B
0:05 - The Dismemberment Plan: "Girl O'Clock" (2:54)
Hey. If this tape hasn't clued you in already, sex ain't always pretty. Hell, sometimes it isn't even sexy. Sometimes, as David reminds us, it's just another outlet for our most kneejerk neuroses: "There's nothing like a song with a smart gimmick. 'Girl O'Clock' features a great one: Travis Morrison stutters. 'If I don't h-h-have s-s-s-s-sex by the eeend of the weeeek I'm g-g-going to die!' He sounds like a horny, frustrated high schooler's brain; and the accompanying song is all stuttered screaming, furious drums, and falsetto 'oh oh ohs.' It's as sexually angry and punked out as classic Violent Femmes, but instead of loose ugliness, it gets the point across using clever songwriting."
(Available on Emergency & I)
2:59 - Jane Birkin (avec Miossec): "Pour un Flirt Avec Toi" (3:12)
In 1969 ('Anee Erotique'), French model/actress Jane Birkin made squares across the Atlantic blush with her star turn on infamous lech Serge Gainsbourg's 'Je T'aime...Moi Non Plus.' 35 years later, she's not breathing quite as heavily, but her curiously Continental mojo is just as beguiling. Megan explains: "Look, I don't even speak French, and I get the point. The sexy singing, the bizarre music (which sounds oddly as if it were done for the Emmanuelle softcore series) - it all captures the feeling of two French people flirting and tempting each other. They want each other, yet they are with other people. They do not act on their feelings, but they long for one another more and more with each passing day. How sexy. How French."
(Available on Rendez-Vous)
6:11 - Belle & Sebastian: "Meat & Potatoes" (4:26)
Stuart Murdoch...sex symbol? Unlikely, perhaps, but as we all know, sometimes the wallflower is the freakiest one in the room. Abby Stotz makes her case: "A delicious ode to awkward experimentation, this retro-fabulous cut sounds like a Fifties sockhop and tells the story of a couple trying to spice up their horizontal mambo. With Stuart Murdoch on vocals, 'Meat & Potatoes' travels the kinky gamut from 'starting with handcuffs' to a 'can of cold whipped cream,' with varying degrees of uncomfortable success. (The Redi-Whip attempt fails after a case of lactose intolerance.)"
(Available on Funny Little Frog [Single])
10:37 - Ice-T: "Girls L.G.B.N.A.F" (2:58)
On the other hand, maybe there is something to be said for the rough stuff. Or as Jon puts it: "No candlelit dinners, no moonlit walks, just suckin' and fuckin'. And if things work out right, Ice-T's whole crew just might 'unload.' These hip hop cats aren't too subtle, are they?"
(Available on Power)
13:35 - Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five: "It's Nasty" (4:19)
Aaron: "This summer, when you're sitting in the record-sale tent at Intonation listening to indie music snobs blabber on about their knowledge of pop culture, you're more than likely to hear this complaint at some point: 'It's not that I don't like hip-hop, but mainstream rap is all about sex and bling. I really like old-school political stuff and some of the underground records.' These polyester clad, prudish, and probably virginal hipsters are of course forgetting about some of the sexy rhymes of the Furious Five. While their 1982 Sugarhill release The Message is widely considered to be the birth of political hip-hop, most people ignore the aptly titled second track, 'It's Nasty.' Trust me, it is. This song epitomizes that male desire to brag about all things in the bedroom. The fact of the matter is, while a call for social change is great, every now and again you just need pure sex."
(Available on The Message)
17:54 - Gang of Four: "Contract" (2:39)
Zach: "Gang of Four...those dudes have sex? Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean they have to like it. With its skittery post-punk rhythms and closing chant of 'our bodies make us worry,' 'Contract' takes everything nerve-wracking and soul-crushing about sex - then wraps it up with, irony of ironies, a guitar and drum groove that could get clubbers dry-humping in seconds flat if sampled by the right DJ. Sure, only a bunch of dour late '70s college-educated British Marxists could reduce human sexuality to a clinical business transaction...but don't they sort of have a point?"
(Available on Entertainment!)
20:28 - The Shirelles: "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" (2:43)
Megan: "Nowadays, sex in songs is usually all fun and games. Everyone has a good time bumping and grinding on the dance floor, Usher shows up with champagne, and everyone has a luscious black ass. But sex wasn't like that for the Shirelles... I mean shit, Usher wasn't even alive then. The Shirelles sing about the doubt, the uncertainty, and excitement that comes from a first sexual experience, and give an accurate portrayal of a nervous teenage girl who both wants to please her man and herself."
(Available on 25 All-Time Greatest Hits)
23:11 - The Notorious B.I.G. - "Fuck You Tonight" (5:45)
Incidentally, Shirelles, Notorious B.I.G. doesn't give a shit whether he'll love you tomorrow. He's fucking you tonight...and Jon is gonna watch: "Biggie's aims on this track are as simple and transparent as the Top 40 crooning and bendy synthlines: 'strictly sex.' After all that monetary investment, she better put out, right? Shit, given all the high-quality wining and dining he must've been able to do with whatever briefcases stuffed with cash Bad Boy records was doling out to him, I would've fucked him too."
(Available on Life After Death)
28:56 - The Briefs: "Sex Objects" (2:42)
Listen - at the Modern Pea Pod, we're nothing if not open-minded, and that goes double when it comes to sex. Why, even as I write this, I'm sitting on a swing with a lollipop in my mouth, lacy panties around my ankles, and a butt plug...somewhere private. So if your 'special someone' happens to be an inflatable doll, well, this is one webzine that isn't going to judge. Aaron's even got a song about it: "It's a story familiar to us all. Boy meets girl. Boy can't get girl. Boy buys blow-up doll instead. Well, maybe it's not exactly the fairy tale we tend to tell ourselves, but anyone who has seen that ad in the back of a magazine and been just a little curious will surely find some pleasure in the title track of the Briefs' 2004 release. 'Sex Objects' is infused with an old-school punk energy that brings life to its familiar theme of teenage sexual frustration, wrapped in this all too unfamiliar package. Still, though, one can't help but shudder a little at lines like 'synthetic skin - I fit right in.' But hey, if our song's narrator can find true happiness with his plastic lover, who are we to judge?"
(Available on Sex Objects)
31:38 - Electric Six: "I'm the Bomb" (4:18)
Megan: "Look, you and I both know that Electric Six are not the epitome of sexiness. These are the kind of guys you go the club with and laugh as they get thrown out for being silly drunk and dancing funny. Yet at the same time, when Dick Valentine promises to 'freak you as you've never been freaked before' in this song, I can't say no. He's the kind of nerdy guy who suddenly got a hot body over the summer, but still has no clue what suave is."
(Available on Fire)
35:56 - AC/DC: "Squealer" (5:27)
Zach: "How to pick just one AC/DC track about sex? I'll tell you how: start with a few fist-pumping power chords. Turn it down a notch with a classic Mark Evans bass vamp and Bon Scott's leering seduction of a teenage virgin with an impressive set of pipes. Then let 'er rip with a series of progressively more...well, squealing solos courtesy of Angus Young. The result? A gloriously unsubtle, over-the-top musical orgasm like only the best hard rock can provide. Hey, they don't call it 'cock rock' for nothin'."
(Available on Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap)
41:26 - Spice Girls: "2 Become 1" (4:01)
Finally, here's Aaron again, bringing the tape to a close with this spicy confection which deals with the softer side of sex: "Under the oh-so '90s rallying call of 'Girl Power,' the Spice Girls sought to build a new, assertive generation of young women. Like the 1960s girl groups that came before them, this included reminding girls that it was their right, too, to enjoy sex just as much as any man. '2 Become 1' is an overtly sexual track that manages at the same time to be profoundly romantic. It is a symbol of two people coming together to create something beautiful. Indeed, this is not a song about 'fucking' - this is a song about making love. Still, in true '90s fashion, an important educational message is attached. 'Be a little bit wiser, baby: put it on. Put it on.'" Still sound advice. Until next month, kids.
(Available on Spice)
Final Runtime: 45:24
Total Runtime (Sides A & B): 90:00
See Also... (more great songs that just couldn't fit)
The 5th Dimension: "Wedding Bell Blues," from The Age of Aquarius (Megan)
David Bowie: "Cracked Actor," from Aladdin Sane (Zach)
The Datsuns: "Super Gyration" (7"), MP3 available at Amplifier (Megan)
Demolition Doll Rods: "All the Stars.," from On (Zach)
Download the full-sized tape cover here.
The Modern Pea Pod's April 2006 Mixtape
After a strange and dreary winter, April is at last upon us. Spring is in the air. The flowers have bloomed while birds return north to sing on branches above buzzing bees. Somewhere in a park, two young lovers exchange knowing glances. Each knows what the other has on their mind.Indeed, the world has returned to a state of regeneration. Every possible species - plant, animal or otherwise - has begun the process of reproduction. Humanity has celebrated this return to fertilization since man first awoke to find a strange desire forcing him to spread his seed as far as possible. Easter, today recognized every April as the resurrection of Christ, has its roots in the decidedly un-Christian pagan festival of fertility. The symbols of this holiday, which children surround themselves with every year, are in fact filthy images most parents would rather be undiscovered until their offspring have reached the age of 35. Eggs, of course, represent the origin of life, and there is little doubt that bunnies are the single horniest animals on the planet.
So in a nod to this grand tradition, the Modern Pea Pod would like to offer up our own celebration of fertility. We present here 90 minutes of songs about fucking. Enjoy... we know that we will.
- Aaron Kahn
Side A
0:05 - The 2 Live Crew: "C'mon Babe" (4:44)Just to prove we mean business, we begin our mixtape about fucking with this little gem by the most notorious perverts ever to grace the rap world. Yeah, it's basically porn to a beat, and misogynist porn at that; the kind of stuff only a sexually prodigious, emotionally stunted 13-year-old (or a webzine writer) could love. But as Jon Cameron explains, there's no point in making a sex mix without getting a little down and dirty: "Meet the group that spawned all those albums with no-name Miami rappers courting big-titted beach bunnies on the cover. Despite what you might hear, 2 Live Crew's music has lost none of its explicitness. Their genius lies in the ability to present an endless supply of unpretentiously filthy sex rhymes... with dance-party beats that make you wanna grind. Just don't expect to hear Ludacris demanding an asshole licking on his next single."
(Available on As Nasty As They Wanna Be
)4:49 - Barry White: "I Wanna Love You Just a Little More, Baby" (4:12)
Okay. Any prudes left in the house? No? Then let's keep things rolling with this baby-makin' classic, courtesy of Megan Giddings: "As cliched as it is, there's no such thing as a sex tape without one Barry White song. For me, this is the one that takes the cake, because for the first minute and a half, White indulges in a sensual spoken word monolgue over softcore porno high hats and '70s slap bass that turns up the heat faster than a bucket of lube and a heart-shaped water bed."
(Available on All-Time Greatest Hits
)9:01 - Marvin Gaye: "Midnight Lady" (5:18)
Aaron Kahn: "Released in 1982, Marvin Gaye's final album, Midnight Love, is by far the artist's most blatant tribute to his favorite topic: sex. Most famous, of course, was the single 'Sexual Healing,' which went on to become the first track to win Gaye a grammy. The record is, however, filled with numerous other tracks dripping in innuendo and, perhaps more often, frank mentions of sexual delights. Take for example 'Midnight Lady,' a song filled with fast and crazy synthesized beats, and completely ridiculous (but not unpleasing) extraneous production noises. The lyrics, while somewhat nonsensical, allude to a world of wild, all-night parties and hot 'finger poppin'' love between a man and a woman. One can't help but wonder who the midnight lover was that inspired Gaye to write this song. Well, that and the amount of coke that was passed around the recording room."
(Available on Midnight Love
)14:19 - Gary Glitter: "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)" (3:21)
Zach Hoskins: "I know what some of you are thinking. 'But Zach, Gary Glitter is a child molestor. Putting one of his songs on a mixtape about sex is in bad taste - even irresponsible!' To these readers, I can say only this: yes, Glitter does suffer from an unfortunate and reprehensible disease, and by no means is it my intention to endorse the sexual abuse of children by promoting one of the singer's most lascivious songs. But god damn, I defy you to give this glam sleaze masterpiece a listen and not end up pumping your fists in the air on the downbeat. If you've heard 'Rock 'n' Roll, Pt. 2' (read: if you've been to a hockey game), you'll know what to expect: spare, reverb-heavy arrangement, shouted vocals over unwavering drums, and a repetitive guitar riff that sounds like it's been recorded through a wool sock submerged in water three rooms away. But 'Do You Wanna Touch Me' is the Glitter formula at its absolute pinnacle, simply because it has raunch in spades; you can practically hear the pompadoured one licking his lips at the prospect of a new conquest, and if recent events have made that image rather more distasteful, they still can't stop this song from being one of the great expressions of chest-beating masculine libido. No, listening to Gary Glitter will never get you laid - in 2006 less than ever. But throw this on when you're all alone before a hot date, and you bet your glittered jumpsuit it'll put some extra spring in your step."
(Available on Rock and Roll: Gary Glitter's Greatest Hits
)
17:40 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs: "Bang" (3:09)Now, with Zach's defense of Gary Glitter brought to a merciful halt, Megan makes up for the unforgivable cold shoulder we gave on last month's Women's History tape with this nod to Karen O - still the only woman who can call us lousy lays with tiny dicks and make us like it: "God, Karen O is sexy. She has that oddly appealing Star Trek haircut, she likes to slather olive oil (among other condiments) on herself during live shows, and she's frank about her sexuality. When Karen O writhes and screams and leers, 'the bigger, the better' throughout 'Bang,' she reminds men that they're not the only ones looking for something that stands out from the rest, so to speak."
(Available on Yeah Yeah Yeahs [EP]
)20:49 - Billy Ward & The Dominoes: "Sixty Minute Man" (2:31)
It's a little-known fact that before the Sexual Liberation of the late 1960s, Americans did, indeed, have sexual intercourse on a fairly regular basis. It's true! And David Koenig has the proof: "Unsure of how to please your woman? Take a lesson from the 'Sixty Minute Man': 15 minutes of kissing, followed by 15 minutes of teasing, then 15 minutes of squeezing, and finally 15 minutes of blowing your top. Hm. By today's standards, I'm pretty sure that would only qualify you as a 15 minute man. Maybe the rules changed after the Beatles landed. In any case, Billy Ward & The Dominoes may have had the sexual stamina of sickly, gelatinous schoolboys on prom night, but at least they could write cool songs."
(Available on The Very Best of Billy Ward & The Dominoes
)23:20 - Custom: "Hey Mister" (3:23)
Laura Misjak: "What better song for a scandalous teen girl to play on her MySpace profile than Custom's 'Hey Mister'? Although the song is circa 2002, it echoes the truths of slutty girls today with dads who have too much money. Yes. It's about fucking. Yes. It has crafty analogies - 'when I'm horny like thirsty, she's a bottle of water.' It has everything a song needs to completely disgust me when I browse through MySpace and see 14-year-old [name and address withheld] claiming it as her cyberspace theme song. Not to mention Custom, a.k.a. Duane Lovold, addresses this promiscuous little lady's daddy throughout the ballad, hence 'Hey Mister.' Favorite lyric: 'how'd it get so bad / you raised her so well, now she's calling me dad / in the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen / the perfect little gift for high school graduation.'"
(Available on Fast
)26:43 - The Hentchmen: "Makin' Out" (2:21)
Nowadays, sex music is all about the money shot. But what about those awkward, (mostly) teenage years when all that groping and slobbering never reaches its, um, natural conclusion? If you know how it feels to be left high and dry with a pair of pants that are somehow smaller than the ones you put on in the morning, then Megan's next choice ought to bring back some memories: "This song by the Hentchmen captures perfectly that 16-year-old blueballed feeling. Yes, yes, yes, they're making out. Things are getting a little steamy, and then... yeah, all of a sudden she cares about her curfew. This song of bottled-up teenage lust is perfect for all of you at home stuck with teases."
(Available on Three Times Infinity
)
29:04 - The Smiths "Handsome Devil" (2:44)And now, here's a man who knows more about blue balls than pretty much anybody...or at least, says Aaron, that's the myth: "Not too long ago, there was a big to-do over the release of former Smiths frontman Morrissey's new album. It seems that, after years of claiming to be celibate, the singer has finally confessed to having passionate, dirty sex... through song! Countless critics have declared this change in the artist's stylings to be groundbreaking, but it seems that they are all forgetting that Morrissey's lyrics during the Smiths era were not always so pure and innocent. Case in point: 'Handsome Devil.' A story of hot schoolboy loving, the song poses what is, perhaps, one of the most crucial questions in any relationship: 'Who will swallow whom?'"
(Available on Hatful of Hollow
)31:48 - Nymphomatriarch: "Pervs" (5:27)
For those of you who have just tuned in, this mixtape is called 'Songs About Fucking.' But David is about to take it to a whole new level: his next song isn't just about fucking, it is fucking...literally: "Aaron Funk, the badass responsible for Venetian Snares, built an entire album out of his own sex noises. This dude mixed violent slaps, female giggles, and Jesus knows what else into some of the hardest beats ever. As one might guess, it sounds like kinky sex...the song. It's fun to imagine what each particular thwock might have originally been. And to Aaron's girl: if (heaven forbid) things don't work out, call me immediately."
(Available on Nymphomatriarch)
37:15 - Prince: "Let's Pretend We're Married" (7:21)
Having satisfied the voyeurs in the audience, it's now time to stop delaying the inevitable. A little dynamo named Prince wants to have his way with you. Zach lights up a post-coital cigarette and explains why he can't say no: "Okay, so maybe parts of 1980's Dirty Mind were more explicit/outrageous. But for my money, this track from Prince's breakthrough record 1999 was the sexiest, dirtiest, nastiest thing he'd recorded to date. It isn't what he says but how he says it: purring his quaintly Reagan-era come-on over pulsing bass synths that just scream 'sleazy,' until he drops that atom bomb of a line: 'I sincerely wanna fuck the taste out of your mouth...do u relate?' The sense of taste has never felt quite so superfluous."
(Available on 1999
)Final Runtime: 44:36
Side B
0:05 - The Dismemberment Plan: "Girl O'Clock" (2:54)
Hey. If this tape hasn't clued you in already, sex ain't always pretty. Hell, sometimes it isn't even sexy. Sometimes, as David reminds us, it's just another outlet for our most kneejerk neuroses: "There's nothing like a song with a smart gimmick. 'Girl O'Clock' features a great one: Travis Morrison stutters. 'If I don't h-h-have s-s-s-s-sex by the eeend of the weeeek I'm g-g-going to die!' He sounds like a horny, frustrated high schooler's brain; and the accompanying song is all stuttered screaming, furious drums, and falsetto 'oh oh ohs.' It's as sexually angry and punked out as classic Violent Femmes, but instead of loose ugliness, it gets the point across using clever songwriting."
(Available on Emergency & I
)2:59 - Jane Birkin (avec Miossec): "Pour un Flirt Avec Toi" (3:12)
In 1969 ('Anee Erotique'), French model/actress Jane Birkin made squares across the Atlantic blush with her star turn on infamous lech Serge Gainsbourg's 'Je T'aime...Moi Non Plus.' 35 years later, she's not breathing quite as heavily, but her curiously Continental mojo is just as beguiling. Megan explains: "Look, I don't even speak French, and I get the point. The sexy singing, the bizarre music (which sounds oddly as if it were done for the Emmanuelle softcore series) - it all captures the feeling of two French people flirting and tempting each other. They want each other, yet they are with other people. They do not act on their feelings, but they long for one another more and more with each passing day. How sexy. How French."
(Available on Rendez-Vous
)6:11 - Belle & Sebastian: "Meat & Potatoes" (4:26)
Stuart Murdoch...sex symbol? Unlikely, perhaps, but as we all know, sometimes the wallflower is the freakiest one in the room. Abby Stotz makes her case: "A delicious ode to awkward experimentation, this retro-fabulous cut sounds like a Fifties sockhop and tells the story of a couple trying to spice up their horizontal mambo. With Stuart Murdoch on vocals, 'Meat & Potatoes' travels the kinky gamut from 'starting with handcuffs' to a 'can of cold whipped cream,' with varying degrees of uncomfortable success. (The Redi-Whip attempt fails after a case of lactose intolerance.)"
(Available on Funny Little Frog [Single]
)10:37 - Ice-T: "Girls L.G.B.N.A.F" (2:58)
On the other hand, maybe there is something to be said for the rough stuff. Or as Jon puts it: "No candlelit dinners, no moonlit walks, just suckin' and fuckin'. And if things work out right, Ice-T's whole crew just might 'unload.' These hip hop cats aren't too subtle, are they?"
(Available on Power
)
13:35 - Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five: "It's Nasty" (4:19)Aaron: "This summer, when you're sitting in the record-sale tent at Intonation listening to indie music snobs blabber on about their knowledge of pop culture, you're more than likely to hear this complaint at some point: 'It's not that I don't like hip-hop, but mainstream rap is all about sex and bling. I really like old-school political stuff and some of the underground records.' These polyester clad, prudish, and probably virginal hipsters are of course forgetting about some of the sexy rhymes of the Furious Five. While their 1982 Sugarhill release The Message is widely considered to be the birth of political hip-hop, most people ignore the aptly titled second track, 'It's Nasty.' Trust me, it is. This song epitomizes that male desire to brag about all things in the bedroom. The fact of the matter is, while a call for social change is great, every now and again you just need pure sex."
(Available on The Message
)17:54 - Gang of Four: "Contract" (2:39)
Zach: "Gang of Four...those dudes have sex? Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean they have to like it. With its skittery post-punk rhythms and closing chant of 'our bodies make us worry,' 'Contract' takes everything nerve-wracking and soul-crushing about sex - then wraps it up with, irony of ironies, a guitar and drum groove that could get clubbers dry-humping in seconds flat if sampled by the right DJ. Sure, only a bunch of dour late '70s college-educated British Marxists could reduce human sexuality to a clinical business transaction...but don't they sort of have a point?"
(Available on Entertainment!
)20:28 - The Shirelles: "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" (2:43)
Megan: "Nowadays, sex in songs is usually all fun and games. Everyone has a good time bumping and grinding on the dance floor, Usher shows up with champagne, and everyone has a luscious black ass. But sex wasn't like that for the Shirelles... I mean shit, Usher wasn't even alive then. The Shirelles sing about the doubt, the uncertainty, and excitement that comes from a first sexual experience, and give an accurate portrayal of a nervous teenage girl who both wants to please her man and herself."
(Available on 25 All-Time Greatest Hits
)23:11 - The Notorious B.I.G. - "Fuck You Tonight" (5:45)
Incidentally, Shirelles, Notorious B.I.G. doesn't give a shit whether he'll love you tomorrow. He's fucking you tonight...and Jon is gonna watch: "Biggie's aims on this track are as simple and transparent as the Top 40 crooning and bendy synthlines: 'strictly sex.' After all that monetary investment, she better put out, right? Shit, given all the high-quality wining and dining he must've been able to do with whatever briefcases stuffed with cash Bad Boy records was doling out to him, I would've fucked him too."
(Available on Life After Death
)28:56 - The Briefs: "Sex Objects" (2:42)
Listen - at the Modern Pea Pod, we're nothing if not open-minded, and that goes double when it comes to sex. Why, even as I write this, I'm sitting on a swing with a lollipop in my mouth, lacy panties around my ankles, and a butt plug...somewhere private. So if your 'special someone' happens to be an inflatable doll, well, this is one webzine that isn't going to judge. Aaron's even got a song about it: "It's a story familiar to us all. Boy meets girl. Boy can't get girl. Boy buys blow-up doll instead. Well, maybe it's not exactly the fairy tale we tend to tell ourselves, but anyone who has seen that ad in the back of a magazine and been just a little curious will surely find some pleasure in the title track of the Briefs' 2004 release. 'Sex Objects' is infused with an old-school punk energy that brings life to its familiar theme of teenage sexual frustration, wrapped in this all too unfamiliar package. Still, though, one can't help but shudder a little at lines like 'synthetic skin - I fit right in.' But hey, if our song's narrator can find true happiness with his plastic lover, who are we to judge?"
(Available on Sex Objects
)
31:38 - Electric Six: "I'm the Bomb" (4:18)Megan: "Look, you and I both know that Electric Six are not the epitome of sexiness. These are the kind of guys you go the club with and laugh as they get thrown out for being silly drunk and dancing funny. Yet at the same time, when Dick Valentine promises to 'freak you as you've never been freaked before' in this song, I can't say no. He's the kind of nerdy guy who suddenly got a hot body over the summer, but still has no clue what suave is."
(Available on Fire
)35:56 - AC/DC: "Squealer" (5:27)
Zach: "How to pick just one AC/DC track about sex? I'll tell you how: start with a few fist-pumping power chords. Turn it down a notch with a classic Mark Evans bass vamp and Bon Scott's leering seduction of a teenage virgin with an impressive set of pipes. Then let 'er rip with a series of progressively more...well, squealing solos courtesy of Angus Young. The result? A gloriously unsubtle, over-the-top musical orgasm like only the best hard rock can provide. Hey, they don't call it 'cock rock' for nothin'."
(Available on Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
)41:26 - Spice Girls: "2 Become 1" (4:01)
Finally, here's Aaron again, bringing the tape to a close with this spicy confection which deals with the softer side of sex: "Under the oh-so '90s rallying call of 'Girl Power,' the Spice Girls sought to build a new, assertive generation of young women. Like the 1960s girl groups that came before them, this included reminding girls that it was their right, too, to enjoy sex just as much as any man. '2 Become 1' is an overtly sexual track that manages at the same time to be profoundly romantic. It is a symbol of two people coming together to create something beautiful. Indeed, this is not a song about 'fucking' - this is a song about making love. Still, in true '90s fashion, an important educational message is attached. 'Be a little bit wiser, baby: put it on. Put it on.'" Still sound advice. Until next month, kids.
(Available on Spice
)Final Runtime: 45:24
Total Runtime (Sides A & B): 90:00
See Also... (more great songs that just couldn't fit)
The 5th Dimension: "Wedding Bell Blues," from The Age of Aquarius
(Megan)David Bowie: "Cracked Actor," from Aladdin Sane
(Zach)The Datsuns: "Super Gyration" (7"), MP3 available at Amplifier (Megan)
Demolition Doll Rods: "All the Stars.," from On
(Zach)Download the full-sized tape cover here.
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